The Charisma Myth

Through charisma training you will learn how to adopt a charismatic posture, how to warm up your eye contact, and how to modulate your voice in ways that make people pay attention. Three quick tips to gain an instant charisma boost in conversation: Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences. Reduce how quickly and how often you nod. Pause for two full seconds before you speak.

This is the very challenge I bring into the office of every executive who’s ever hired me. There is no substitute for doing the exercises. Skimming through them with the earnest intention of completing them “another day” is not enough, nor is doing only the exercises that seem easy or interesting. If I ask you to do something, it’s for a good reason, and it will have a real impact on your level of charisma.

CHARISMATIC BEHAVIOR CAN be broken down into three core elements: presence, power, and warmth. These elements depend both on our conscious behaviors and on factors we don’t consciously control.

Presence

When we’re not fully present in an interaction, people will see it. Our body language sends a clear message that other people read and react to, at least on a subconscious level.

Be mindful to achieve presence:

Close your eyes and try to focus on one of the following three things: the sounds around you, your breathing, or the sensations in your toes.

Power and Warmth

Being seen as powerful means being perceived as able to affect the world around us, whether through influence on or authority over others, large amounts of money, expertise, intelligence, sheer physical strength, or high social status. We look for clues of power in someone’s appearance, in others’ reaction to this person, and, most of all, in the person’s body language. Warmth, simply put, is goodwill toward others. Warmth tells us whether or not people will want to use whatever power they have in our favor. Being seen as warm means being perceived as any of the following: benevolent, altruistic, caring, or willing to impact our world in a positive way. Warmth is assessed almost entirely through body language and behavior; it’s evaluated more directly than power.

Throughout our interactions, we instinctively look for clues with which to evaluate warmth or power, and then we adjust our assumptions accordingly. Expensive clothing leads us to assume wealth, friendly body language leads us to assume good intentions, a confident posture leads us to assume the person has something to be confident about. In essence, people will tend to accept whatever you project.

Generating Charsima

Because your brain cannot distinguish imagination from reality, imaginary situations cause your brain to send your body the same commands as it would for a real situation. Whatever your mind believes, your body will manifest. Just by getting into a charismatic mental state, your body will manifest a charismatic body language. In medicine, the mind’s powerfully positive effect on the body is known as the placebo effect.

Both the placebo effect and the nocebo effect play a critical role in our ability to unleash our full charisma potential. Due to the fact that whatever is in our mind affects our body, and because our mind has trouble distinguishing imagination from reality, whatever we imagine can have an impact on our body language and, thus, on our levels of charisma. Our imagination can dramatically enhance or inhibit our charisma, depending on its content.

Discomfort

Any physical discomfort that affects your visible, external state—your body language—even slightly may affect how charismatic you are perceived to be. When interacting with someone, assume that he or she will feel (at least on a subconscious level) that whatever you do relates to him or to her.

Counteracting charisma-impairing physical discomfort is simple: Prevent Recognize Remedy or explain

Mental Discomfort

Our inability to tolerate uncertainty carries multiple costs. It can cause us to make premature decisions. It can handicap us in negotiations, leading us to reveal more than we should as we scramble to fill the silence, unable to bear the uncertainty of not knowing what the other person is thinking. And most important, it can lead us to feel anxious. Anxiety is a serious drawback to charisma. First, it impacts our internal state: quite obviously, it’s hard to be fully present while you’re feeling anxious. Anxiety can also lower our confidence.

Anxiety, low presence, and low confidence can show up directly in our body language, as well as reduce our ability to emanate warmth.

"Tom knew he was ignoring other pressing matters. He tried to stop thinking about the situation, but his mind just kept returning to the possibilities again and again. The reason Tom couldn’t let go is that our minds are fundamentally uncomfortable with uncertainty. The minute our brain registers ambiguity, it flashes an error signal. Uncertainty registers as a tension: something that must be corrected before we can feel comfortable again. Our natural discomfort with uncertainty is yet another legacy of our survival instincts. We tend to be more comfortable with what is familiar, which obviously hasn’t killed us yet, than with what is unknown or uncertain, which could turn out to be dangerous.

It’s worth learning how to handle uncertainty, not just because it increases charisma but also because the ability to be comfortable with uncertainty and ambiguity turns out to be one of the strongest predictors of success in business."

The single most effective technique I’ve found to alleviate the discomfort of uncertainty is the responsibility transfer.2 In uncertain situations, what we really want to know is that things are somehow going to work out fine. If we could be certain that things will work out—that everything will be taken care of—the uncertainty would produce much less anxiety.

Putting It into Practice:

Responsibility Transfer

1. Sit comfortably or lie down, relax, and close your eyes.

2. Take two or three deep breaths. As you inhale, imagine drawing clean air toward the top of your head. As you exhale, let that air whoosh through you, washing away all worries and concerns.

3. Pick an entity—God, Fate, the Universe, whatever may best suit your beliefs—that you could imagine as benevolent.

4. Imagine lifting the weight of everything you’re concerned about—his meeting, this interaction, this day—off your shoulders and placing it on the shoulders of whichever entity you’ve chosen. They’re in charge now.

5. Visually lift everything off your shoulders and feel the difference as you are now no longer responsible for the outcome of any of these things. Everything is taken care of. You can sit back, relax, and enjoy whatever good you can find along the way.

The next time you feel yourself considering alternative outcomes to a situation, pay close attention. If your brain is going around in circles, obsessing about possible outcomes, try a responsibility transfer to alleviate some of the anxiety. Consider that there might be an all-powerful entity—the Universe, God, Fate—nd entrust it with all the worries on your mind.

“Our brains are wired first to understand, then to believe, and last to disbelieve. Since disbelief requires additional cognitive effort, we get the physiological effects first. And, though this belief may last only a brief moment, it’s enough to produce an emotional and physical reassurance, which can change our thought patterns as well as help alleviate the uncomfortable feelings.”4 Our physiology responds to visuals well before cognitive disbelief kicks in. In addition, visuals short-circuit our cognitive circuits and go straight to our brain’s emotional levels. The responsibility transfer does not actually dispel uncertainty (the outcome remains uncertain). Instead, it makes the uncertainty less uncomfortable. This distinction matters. People will go to great lengths to get rid of the anxiety produced by uncertainty, from making premature decisions to forcing bad

outcomes to numbing their anxiety with mind-altering substances of various kinds. However, the responsibility transfer works without trying to negate uncertainty. Instead, it helps you to be less affected by it, drawing you out of the negative mental and physical states that often accompany a position of not knowing. The outcome of your situation may still be uncertain, but you’re no longer so anxious about it. By presenting your mind with the possibility that responsibility has been transferred, you’re putting to good use the wonderful placebo effect—he brain’s inability to distinguish between imagination and reality.

Dissatisfaction Caused by Comparison

Human beings are by nature driven to compare. Whenever we have an experience, we tend to compare it to our past experiences, to others’ experiences, or to our ideal image of what the experience should be. This tendency becomes even more acute when we’re presented with several options and want to make the best possible choice, seeking to optimize the outcome. Each stage of this cycle impairs our charisma. The very act of comparing and evaluating hinders our ability to be fully present. Trying to optimize both impairs our presence and creates anxiety due to the pressure of finding the best possible choice. And a negative evaluation can easily put us in a negative mental state,

such as dissatisfaction, envy, or resentment. Because this tendency to compare is wired very deeply in our brains, trying to fight it can take a lot of effort. Instead, notice when you’re making comparisons and use the responsibility transfer technique to alleviate any internal discomfort it may have caused.

Self-Criticism

When our internal voice starts criticizing us, lashing out, it can feel like we’re under attack. Because our brain doesn’t distinguish between imagination and reality, these internal attacks are perceived by our mind just as a real, physical attack would be, and they can generate an automatic physical reaction known as the threat response or fight-or-flight response. David Rock, founder of the NeuroLeadership Institute, explains that “the threat response impairs analytic thinking, creative insight, and problem solving.”7 This kind of negativity doesn’t just affect our actual performance, it also affects how others perceive us. Let’s say you’re in a conversation. You say something, and immediately think,

Oh, that was a stupid thing to say. What’s going to happen to your face? You may wince at the thought and your expression may tense. As we’ve discussed, because we can’t control our body language, any negativity in our mind will eventually show up on our face. No matter how brief that negative expression, the person facing you is going

to spot it. And all they know is that while you were looking at them and listening to them, a negative expression crossed your face.

Self-Doubt

Self-doubt, simply put, is lack of confidence in our own ability to achieve something: we doubt our capacity to do it or our capacity to learn how to do it. Worse, it is the fear that there is something essential that we lack, something necessary but unattainable, and that we are just not good enough. In one of the manifestations of self-doubt, known as the impostor syndrome, competent people feel they don’t really know what they’re doing and are just waiting for someone to expose them as a fraud

We've seen the effects of anxiety, dissatisfaction, self-criticism, and selfdoubt. Where does all this negativity come from? The difficult feelings we experience are a natural by-product of one of our most useful survival mechanisms. Negativity exists to spur you to action, to either resolve the problem or get out of the situation. Feelings like fear or anxiety are designed to get you to do something. They’re uncomfortable because they’re “designed” to be uncomfortable. There are times when the discomfort of full-blown fear is highly appropriate. If we were in life-threatening physical danger, then we would surely appreciate our body focusing all of its resources toward ensuring our short-term survival. However, in today’s world, few situations merit a full fight-or-flight response. In these cases, our instinctive reactions actually work against us

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Charisma has three essential components: presence, power, and warmth.

Being present—paying attention to what’s going on rather than being caught up in your thoughts—an yield immense rewards. When you exhibit presence, those around you feel listened to, respected, and valued. Because your body language telegraphs your internal state to those around you, in order to be charismatic—o exhibit presence, power, and warmth—you must display charismatic body language.

Because your mind can’t tell the difference between imagination and reality, by creating a charismatic internal state your body language will authentically display charisma.

In terms of achieving charisma, your internal state is critical. Get the internal state right, and the right charismatic behaviors and body language will pour forth automatically.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Any internal discomfort—either physical or mental—can impair how you feel, how you perform, and how others perceive you. Physical tension caused by something as simple as the sun in your eyes produces the same changes in body language as a more serious discomfort, like anxiety or irritation.

Prevention is optimal: plan ahead to ensure comfort in clothing, location, and timing. Aim to stay aware of any physical sensation of discomfort. If physical discomfort arises during an interaction, act promptly to alleviate or explain it.

Use techniques such as the responsibility transfer to reduce the feelings of anxiety, uncertainty, and dissatisfaction that play out in your body language and inhibit your charisma.

Understand that mental negativity such as anxiety, dissatisfaction, selfcriticism, or self-doubt is normal and something that everyone experiences.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

To be charismatic, you must first learn to overcome the primary obstacleto charisma: internal discomfort.

Skillfully handle internal discomfort with a three-step process: destigmatize your discomfort, neutralize your negative thoughts, and rewrite your perception of reality.

Destigmatize and dedramatize uncomfortable feelings by remembering that they are survival instincts and a natural part of the human experience. Think of others who’ve gone through this before—specially people you admire—and see yourself as part of a community of human beings experiencing the same feeling at the same moment. (Create council to advise me)

Neutralize unhelpful negative thoughts by remembering that the mind often distorts reality and filters your environment to highlight the negative. Think of your negative thoughts as graffiti on a wall—ou may find it an ugly sight, but just because you see an ugly sight doesn’t mean you’re an ugly person.

Rewrite reality by considering a few helpful alternatives to your current perspective. For maximum effect, write down your new realities by hand and describe them in vivid detail.

For advanced practice, delve into the physical sensations of discomfort. Focusing on the sensations gives your mind something concrete to focus on, drawing your attention away from your feeling that the experience is unbearable.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Creating an optimal mental state is crucial to unleashing your full charisma potential.

Visualization can help you create the right mental state and thus the right charismatic body language. To make visualizations most effective, vividly engage all five senses in your imagination.

You can increase both warmth and confidence by practicing gratitude, goodwill, and compassion for others as well as for yourself.

Just as professional athletes and performers do, plan a gradual warm-up to reach your peak charismatic performance. Before important events, avoid experiences that would impair your mental state and plan warmth- and confidence-boosting activities instead.

Your body affects your mind. Flip the visualization technique on its head and practice adopting the right posture and facial expressions to accessmore of almost any desired internal state.

Foundation Examples people How to get it AUTHORITY CHARISMA Confidence Colin Powell Winston Churchill Margaret Thatcher Impressed Intinidated Cowed Project high status and high confidence in your ability to impact or influence others VISIONARY CHARISMA Behef Steve Jobs Joan of Arc Martin Luther King Jr. Inspired Certain Project absolute conviction in a noble cause, faith, or visbn FOCUS CHARISMA Presence Gandhi Chairman Mao Bill Gates Heard Listened to Understood Project attention, focus, and presence KINDNESS CHARISMA Camg Dalai Lama Mother Theresa Princess Diana Accepted Embraced Cherished Project warmth, caring, and acceptance AUTHt:mrr CHARISMA DemeatÜ•. expressöns, body larpge, behavi)t Apparance: status symbob, dotting Other people's readiom, titles You wil be listened to and Helpfd in a Intibits critical thirking Discourages fee$ack Can seem VISIONARY enressions, language. particularly Inspires fervent beEef Inspires creativity and Can inspire belief Can Seem overzeabus Very context- depen&nt FOCUS CHARISMA expressions. body language. parti:ularly Easy to access Can Seem eager or subservient Can seem intense or interrogathg KINDNESS CHARISMA body lanwage through eyes voice Creates an emotioml bond and safe space Makes likeable Can lead b attachment. Can be inappropriate in business

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Choosing the right charisma style depends on your personality, goals, and the situation.

You can alternate among different charisma styles or even blend them together. Don’t force yourself into a charisma style that is just too awkward for you. Doing so would negatively affect how you feel and how others perceive you.

The more charisma styles you can access, the more versatile and confident you will be.

Stretch out of your comfort zone in low-stakes situations.

Stick with styles you already know well in high-stakes situations.

Let goodwill be your safety net. Coming from a place of genuine goodwill gives you the best chance of getting your charisma right.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

First impressions happen within seconds and can affect not only the rest of the interaction but also the rest of your relationship with that person.

People feel most comfortable with those who are similar to them in some way, including appearance and behavior. Do your homework and decide how much you want to adapt your dress and word choice to your environment.

A good handshake can go a long way. Likewise, a bad one can leave an unfavorable and lasting first impression. It’s worth spending some time perfecting the right way to greet someone.

Great conversationalists keep the spotlight on the other person and make them feel good about themselves.

Know how to gracefully exit a conversation, leaving others with positive feelings.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Power, presence, and warmth are important for both charismatic speaking and charismatic listening.

Great listening skills are key to communicating charismatic presence.

Never interrupt people, and occasionally pause a second or two before you answer.

People associate you with the feelings you produce in them. Avoid creating negative associations: don’t make them feel bad or wrong.

Make people feel good, especially about themselves. Don’t try to impress them—et them impress you, and they will love you for it.

Get graphic: use pictures, metaphors, and sensory-rich language to convey a compelling, charismatic message.

Use as few words as possible, and deliver as much value as possible: entertainment, information, or good feelings.

To emanate vocal power, use a slow, measured tempo; insert pauses between your sentences; and drop your intonation at the end.

To emanate vocal warmth, you need to do only one thing: smile, or evenjust imagine smiling.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

While our words speak to a person’s logical mind, our nonverbal communication speaks to a person’s emotional mind.

Nonverbal communication amplifies verbal communication when the two are congruent.

When verbal and nonverbal messages contradict, we tend to trust what we see in the other person’s body language more than what we hear them say.

Through emotional contagion, your emotions can spread to other people. As a leader, the emotions conveyed by your body language, even during

brief, casual encounters, can have a ripple effect on your team or even your entire company.

To communicate warmth, aim to make people feel comfortable: respect their personal space, mirror their body language, and keep your eyes relaxed.

When people come to you in need of reassurance, first mirror their body language, then lead them to more calm, open, and confident positions.

When people are defensive, break their body language lock by handing them something to look at or something they will have to lean forward to take.

To project power, take up space (be the big gorilla) and be still (adopt a regal posture).

Cut out verbal and nonverbal reassurances like head bobbing and excessive uh-huh-ing.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Approach difficult people individually and choose the right charisma style

for each person and each situation.

Express appreciation for their help or positive impact: it’ll make them

rationalize their actions in your favor.

When delivering bad news, get into a state of compassion, and show

warmth and care in your timing, body language, and verbal language.

When delivering criticism, get into a state of goodwill, and focus the

request for change on specific behaviors rather than on personal traits.

When delivering apologies, show presence in hearing them out

completely, show warmth in your apology, and show power in how you’ll

correct the mistake or prevent its reoccurrence.

With phone and e-mail communication, use all the tools you’ve learned

for in-person communication.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Your presentation should have one main, simple, crystal-clear message,

supported by three to five key points.

Support each point with an entertaining story, interesting statistic, concrete

example, or vivid metaphor.

Make your presentation short and entertaining. Watch the value of each

sentence.

Arrive early if you can; walk the stage to visualize and own it.

Use a wide, well-balanced stance and take up as much space as possible

on stage. Limit superfluous gestures that distract the audience’s attention.

Speak as if you’re sharing a secret with the audience, telling them

something special and confidential.

Use smiles and fluctuation to warm your voice.

Keep eye contact for one to two seconds per person.

Pause frequently and deliberately to show confidence and add drama as

well as give yourself a chance to breathe.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Charisma is particularly effective in crisis situations.

Stay in a calm, confident internal state so that your emotional contagion

effect is positive.

Express high expectations of people, and communicate your complete

confidence in their ability to rise to the occasion.

Articulate a bold vision, show your confidence in your ability to realize

that vision, and act decisively to achieve it.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Charisma has a few possible downsides: you can become the target of

envy and resentment, others can reveal too much during your interactions,

you are held to a higher standard, it can be lonely at the top, and charisma

may work even when it shouldn’t.

To mitigate envy and resentment, reflect or transfer praise and glory.

Highlight others who deserve praise and give people ownership of your

success.

To stop people from oversharing, interject a “me, too” story, or help them

destigmatize if it’s too late to do so.

Showing vulnerability will make you more likable and more relatable, and

will prevent people from expecting you to be superhuman, all-powerful, allknowing,

and always right. Charisma is a powerful tool—se it responsibly.